**WHEN THE CYCLE CONTINUES**

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“It won’t happen to my child”

I hear that a lot from people who think their kids are invinsible from any harm. They will never become an addict and they will never have any mental issues because “its my child”. Well guess what IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOUR CHILD, god forbid it IS YOUR CHILD. What then?

I feel myself saying that with my daughter. Our Emily. Emily is so incredibly sweet, caring, feisty, head strong and also a child with extreme anxiety. It started when my father in law died when Emily was 5. She didn’t really understand it at first. All she knew was that “Pappy Ed wasn’t here anymore” But fast-forward a couple years she now fully understands why Pappy Ed isn’t here anymore. Dad got sick and was in a rehab for lymphoedema for a little while. He ended up having to be intubated and was shipped to Upmc East for a couple of weeks. He was in the ICU so the kids weren’t able to see him. Then when he got transferred to Upmc Presby they weren’t able to see him as well because he was in ICU. So when we got the call that he passed it didn’t really hit her. All she knew what that he was gone. There was no funeral or anything because it was what dad wanted so they never really got a chance to say goodbye. So whenever someone got sick she would freak out hysterically because she associates being sick with dying because that is what happened to Pap. I have had several surgeries and she would freak out because she thought I would die like Pap. It got to the point where we had to hide the fact that we were sick so she wouldn’t freak out. We started going to a grief support group called Hopeful Hearts. And they have been an absolute blessing. She was changing back to the Emily was all knew.

Then damn Rona hit. And EVERYTHING she new as normal was no longer that way. And her anxiety came back 10xs worse. After a while of online school she started having really bad trouble trying to concentrate because it was just to much (and I get it. It was a lot for a 9 year old to try and process) also not having dance class during this time really made her upset too. So she made the bold decision to head back to school in person and she has been thriving. Then came my mom’s cancer diagnosis. I was not home as much because I have been taking care of my mom. So when I am home I’m flat out exhausted. Mentally and physically but trying to give everyone the time they need with me so they don’t feel pushed to the side. But that hasn’t worked. So her anxiety crept back into the picture. But this time her teachers noticed that she was daydreaming more and picking her fingers. Hearing this from her teachers my heart broke. This awful cycle of anxiety and depression has continued and it is now with my daughter. My sweet/ but feisty Emily. I can’t let that happen. No matter what happens I will be damned if she will experience the pain that I have felt. She also gets scared that I will start “drinking out of those little cups again” (a.k.a shot glasses) because I have been so stressed out. I didn’t relize how much my drinking did affect her. At such a young age I didn’t think she would understand it. But she did. And boy was that a shot to the heart because I am part of the reason of her anxiety. I promised her that mommy would never drink out of those little cups again because I never want to hurt her or her brother. We got her into a psychiatrist who will come to her school and have sessions with her. I’m am praying that all of this will help her so her nerves can calm down and just let her be a typical 9 (almost 10 year old next week)

I feel like I have failed like a parent because of the things not only I have caused but other emotions that she has experienced. I didn’t protect her enough. And that hurts me to my soul. So my mission is to make sure that she knows she is loved. That her feelings are normal and we are going to find new ways to cope and that mommy will always be here for her no matter what. She is definently my mini. But this part of me I don’t want her to experience. I want her to continue to be the Emily that is headstrong and also loves with all of her heart.

Parents. No matter their age. DO NOT DISMISS their feelings. Because you never know what road they will end up going down. We gotta protect them at all cost. And that is what I will ALWAYS do. Protect them with my entire heart and soul.

*Much love❤*

8 comments on “**WHEN THE CYCLE CONTINUES**”

  1. You are not a failure as a mother. By even thinking that was it shows that you’re everything but. Those kids are your whole world and everyone can see that. You want to better yourself for them and it’s clear you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that your babies are having a positive upbringing. I would hate to see someone who thinks that’s failing as a parent. You are amazing and I’m so proud of you. ❤️

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  2. You’re story hits so close to home. I love reading your blogs and I want you to know you are a great mother who cares deeply for her children. You’re doing the best you can for your daughter. Don’t dismiss that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kristen. Whenever everything first happened with me. I really wanted to reach out to you so bad because I remember when you went through everything. It has been very therapeutic exposing myself like this but also scary at the same time because I’m not sure how people will react to it. Thank you for reaching out! I really appreciate it ❤

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  3. We are damaged people trying to raise children. We all have trauma and issues we’re dealing with. Some we open up about and some may never be revealed. But honesty, honesty, is the best way to teach our kids what it means to be human. They see us fall, then they must see us get back up and most importantly know that it is ok. They see us do wrong, they must see us make it right. They learn from our example what to do and what not to do.
    The advice or guidance my parents gave me was never given alongside their own experience. I was just told to or not to do something but never used their personal experience as a reason why. And that’s what I’ve made a conscious effort to do is share my experience as my reason for whatever guidance I give. They see the good, the bad, the happiness, the sadness. They see the truth and know that it is all ok.

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