*CAUTION. LONG POST*
Depression is not one size fits all. It comes in all forms. And when it hits it hits hard. And right now mine is hitting hard. On November 24,2020 my mom got diagnosed with AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia)and that has turned all of our lives upside down. I felt the roles shifting and I was now being the parent having to take care of everything. I have older siblings but its hard for them to do anything because one lives out of the country and the other has transportation issues. So that leaves me.. To do everything. I have kept myself so busy making sure my mom is taken care of, making sure my family is taken care of also working a full time job that I put myself on the backburner once again. And you know what. It f*****g sucks. Everyone is telling me how brave I am for doing all of this without relapsing and that usually everything falls on the daughter. Which from talking to other people I guess it is true. But I don’t see it as everything falling on me. I see it as a daughter taking care of a parent. The same exact way I was when my father had open heart surgery almost 7 years ago. I’m not looking for a pat on the back because if you are still lucky enough to have your parents alive you will do whatever you have to. But I find myself feeling lonely again.Emotionally..
You ever been in a room full of people who are having fun and you put on the façade that everything is ok so you don’t seem like a debbie downer. But deep in your heart you feel like no one is around. That is exactly the emotions I have now. I’m just going through the motions so everything runs smoothly. But it is breaking me down to my core. I will go to the ends of the earth for my family but sometimes I feel like if I’m not taking care of it then it won’t get done (I guess that is the Virgo in me). I feel like everything I do won’t matter in the end. And I hate that feeling. Dealing with my moms cancer, a daughter in counseling and emotions of unhappiness prior to my moms diagnosis is weighing me down. Have any of you felt this way? Yes your friends will say “i’m here for you no matter what” and “you’re never alone” But are you really though? The thoughts in your head when you are battling depression can make the most beautiful moment turn to straight hell and you don’t know why. I’m a fixer. And the fact that I can’t fix my mom, my daughter, my emotions in my mind is driving me up a wall that I am detaching from everyone.
It is not fair to my family and friends at all because I am to be the rock. The go to person. But what happens when the “go to person” has no where to go? Then what? That’s when the thoughts of what if’s/ maybe I should have/ Do I really want to? start to creep in and it consumes you. I thought getting sober would be the hardest thing but as of right now that s**t is a cakewalk compared to the issues that I am dealing with now. I am not happy with ANYTHING. And I know I should be blessed and I am blessed. But am I just contempt with everything because that’s what I always do. Settle so everything works for everyone BUT ME. Make sure everyone else is good before my own mental stability. And I am scared. Scared that I will forget about who Antoinette really is because of taking on the roll of the fixer for everyone. This blog has really made me see things in a different view. Between my dad’s open heart surgery (thank god he made it as well), my older brothers massive heart attack at the age of 38 (that god he made it) and now mom’ cancer. I have the constant thought of “what is it that i truly want in life? or am I just contempt?” I legit have no clue but its messing with my mind so bad that all I want to do is crawl in a hole and just stay there for the rest of my life. My family are my world and I want my kids to see happy mommy so they aren’t feeling sad or constantly worrying if I’m ok or whats wrong. But how the hell do I do that? How do I get to the place of actual peace and not feel tense on every single day or putting my feelings aside so I can please someone else. I have no clue what god has in store for me or what journey that I am about to go on but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared for any of it.
If any of you have any advice for how to try and take control of my life back so I can be a better positive rolemodle for my kids because I don’t want them to think that this s**t is normal. Because it sure as hell isn’t.
Leave a comment or inbox me with your advice.